Woman Invents Scrudle

A Scrudle

Woman Invents Scrudle Housewife wins £10,000 prize for inventing the new must-have kitchen utensil which scrapes and ladles.

As many a hostess may know, using a ladle to dish up the last few spoonfuls of a casserole from a large pot can leave you in a bit of a stew.

Indeed. But creating what is, in effect, nothing more than half a plastic cup in order to solve the scooping-out problem is hardly a giant leap for Mankind, is it?

Not exactly a new paradigm, if you see what I mean.

What next, eh? Half a plate for those embarrassing occasions when you didn't buy enough food?

Nevertheless, not bad!

For a woman.

After all, this scrudle-thingy definitely signifies a step in the right direction for womankind.

Well. OK. Not exactly a 'step'. More of a 'barely perceptible nod'.

But, who knows? By the end of the next billennium, a woman might actually invent something useful.

(Just don't place any bets on it - if you get my drift.)

The good old days.

Women Are Ballooning Sixty years ago the average British woman's figure was fairly trim: at a petite 5ft 2in, the scales rarely tipped 9st 10lb. Even her feet - size 31/2 - were small, and she fitted neatly into a size 12 dress.

Goodness me. Women's feet have almost doubled in size!

What were once upon a time dainty and lickable extremities with little tosey-woseys have metamorphosed into huge clodhoppers that are tough enough to plough fields of potatoes, and big enough to flatten crocodiles.

And their once firm hour-glass figures have now transmuted into enormous barrels of rolling fat.

Feminism!

Men must not despair, however, because Angry Harry's scientists are working secretly on this problem day and night, in thousands of hidden laboratories right across the world.

And we can expect enormous breakthroughs at any moment.

Oh yes indeed!

Believe it or not, the woman on the right is the very same woman as the woman on the left.

Yes, it's true.

But she took just one dose of Angry Harry's top-secret Womaniser Treatments and twenty fours later she emerged looking like a shapely doll that even your very best friend would want to schnozzle while you're out at work.

From the dung heap, a geranium.

It's that good!

So if you would like the chance to turn your woman into something worth talking to, and you are not too worried about possible side-effects - such as death - why not send her along to one of the secret trials?

Either she comes back much improved, or she comes back not at all.

In other words, your satisfaction is guaranteed!

The Trans-Gender Police Roadshow Dressed in matching black t-shirts and handing out balloons, these are trans-gender members of the National Trans Police Association. 

OMG!

Our police officers will be turning up in frilly tutus next - with see-through blouses and flowery hats on Sundays.

No wonder the crime rate is soaring.

Mind you, the one on the left looks pretty tasty.

Hmm. Yes.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

... ... ... For a man!

Future Feminist

UK Education System Summarised The certificate recognised, among other skills, his ability to walk to the local bus stop, enter the bus 'in a calm and safe manner', and wait until the bus has stopped before trying to get off.

Age 13.

A genius!

Take it from me, if the education system dumbs down any further, we are all going to die.

Women Prefer Men To Be The Boss Most women prefer to work for male bosses because they are less prone to mood swings, research revealed yesterday

Huh. Tell me something new before I expire from ennui - which is French for boredom.

Everyone knows that women always like to be bossed around by men.

They love it.

It's coded in their genes.

And it also makes them feel useful; which, mostly, they are not.

Indeed, it is said that women are only good for one thing.

But nobody knows what the hell it is!

Those questioned also said male bosses are more authoritative, straight-talking and better at making decisions than their female counterparts.

How true. How true.

LOL!

And what is making me laugh even more is the fact that I was alerted to the above piece by a huge black American male. (I've seen his picture.)

What is he doing reading the female section of the UK's Daily Mail, eh?

Take it from me: They might look like big black hunks during the daytime; but when they get home at night they mostly put on women's knickers and skimpy lingerie. And then they dance daintily around the place like ballerinas in a hopeless attempt to appease those huge black women that they go out with.

If you want a real man, go for a white one.

Preferably a thin one with greying hair and a permanent backache.

Women Cry A Lot A woman will spend on average 16 months of her life crying.

... And about 20 years moaning and whingeing, would be my guess.

As teenagers, they will wail for an average of two hours and 13 minutes a week, due mainly to hormones, arguing with friends, being dumped and being grounded.

Good. Serves 'em right. Let's see if we can get this crying up to four hours a week.

Unfortunately, however, this research is likely to be as phoney as a three-sided coin.

Apart from the fact that this 'research' was conducted by a group wanting to promote its website among women, its data mostly came from the testimonies of women.

And we all know how keen are women to forever portray themselves as angels.

But Lucifer was an angel too.

Always remember that.

Why Western Women Get Angry Yes, I'm angry. I'm angry with a world that still doesn't acknowledge how hard women work, in and out of the workplace. I'm angry with men for dumping the childrearing problem in our laps. Elizabeth Stewart

I'm angry with women for refusing to admit it's too much, that we can't do everything all the time.

LOL!

In the days when a woman stayed home to raise a family while a man went out to work to put bread on the table, this division of labour was fair enough. But why these days, when women work just as hard as men outside the home, are they still responsible for pretty much everything that goes on in it?

LOL! Women wanted it all - and now they have got it!

My generation of women aren't having it all - we're doing it all.

(Teeheehee.)

(x 3!)

I love my mother. I want to help her. But there are times I wonder if she grasps just how complicated my life is. She never had to juggle work with a family and husband. I know I've had fantastic opportunities that she's been denied, but in some ways, it was much simpler for her.

Yep.

Recently, the Children's Society published a report lambasting modern women for being too selfish to be good mothers.

Correct!

And there is only one solution.

Back to the kitchen they must go.

No complaining. No whining. And no over-acting.

Off to the kitchen with you.

You ungrateful Jezebel!

We men have had enough of all this nonsense.

It's back to the housework, the cooking and the no talking without permission routine for you, My Dear.

Shoo. Shoo.

Of you go.

No more weeping now.

And don't forget to call your younger sister.

So that we can have a threesome.